Never Meant To Be
by RedHairedGoddess
Summary: Jacob imprinted on Edward, but he knows they can never be together.


Disclaimer: I own nothing, all rights go to Stephenie Meyer

**Author's Note: Just so I don't offend anyone, Jacob's thought do not reflect my personal opinions of the LGBT community, just what I believed he would think.******

I stared off into the night, trying desperately not to feel the unrelenting agony that had been swamping me for the past year. I hadn't asked for this; I didn't want to be enslaved by imprinting on someone. Especially not _him_. My hands curled into fists as I pictured him in my head. I punched a tree, roaring in grief. As strong as I now was, my hand was bloodied but not broken, while the tree was felled. Just like me.

Of all the wolves who would imprint, which was supposed to be _fucking_ _rare_, _I_ had to be the one to imprint on our natural enemy. _I_ had to be the one to imprint on someone he could never have.

With a bitter curse, I stripped and shifted. A run was the only thing that would give me even a measure of peace, and I didn't have to worry about the rest of the pack, because no one else would be up yet. With everything settled down and Victoria taken care of, Sam had begun to relax a bit. We still patrolled, but not as often. And they all knew my secret anyway.

A year was too long for me to hide something like this from the pack. Everyone had been shocked and disgusted at first, but then they realized that I didn't do this on purpose, and that I would take it back if I could. Once they all accepted it, they all tried to get me to tell Edward so we could be together. I refused. I no longer trusted fate. Fate had taken the only woman I'd ever loved away from me, and now it wanted to put me with the man she loved, who was also my enemy by birthright? I had stopped resisting the fact that he was male a long time ago, despite how unnatural it was and that it went against every instinct a wolf had. Damn imprinting.

Despite all the reasons that we shouldn't be together, the pack thought I was being stubborn and stupid to reject him. The idiots didn't get it; I no longer cared that he was a guy, a vampire, or even the love of Bella's life. I had been straight before I imprinted on Edward, and because of that, I knew he wasn't gay. He would be disgusted by this, just as I would have been had the situation been reversed. Edward was straight; he'd never want me, even with the pull of the imprint.

Maybe I was wrong, but if I wasn't and he ran from me...I really would fall to pieces. I couldn't bear losing him, so I had to keep this a secret from him. It was hard, but I got better at it. He was still convinced that I hated him for taking Bella away, and I let him think that. The hardest part was curbing my intense desire to be around him. I couldn't take the chance that he would see the truth in my thoughts. He belonged with Bella and I had to accept that. Somehow.

I ran for miles, all the way to the Canadian border and back. It didn't help; no matter how hard I tried to think of other things, the pack's advice kept ringing in my ears from all the months they had tried to convince me to accept Edward as mine.

Sam: "_Jacob, if he's really your imprint, you can't run forever. If you try, you'll be miserable_." He had that right.

Quil: "_Jake, c'mon man. This isn't healthy. Just tell him the truth_." Easy for him to say; he could be sure that he wouldn't be rejected by _his_ mate.

Embry: "_Give up, man. You'll never be able to stand being without him_." I've already made it a year, Embry.

Leah: "_Jacob, stop being such a dumbass and just accept it already! The rest of us are sick of dealing with your shit!_" She was always _so_ sympathetic.

But Emily's admonishment gave me pause. "Jacob," she had said softly, looking at me with pity in her eyes, "Love is something to be cherished, not hated. Never forget that." As if I could forget. But she was wrong. I didn't love Edward. I wouldn't let myself.

I went inside to get out of the rain and headed upstairs to shower, noting without much interest that the early morning storm was still going strong. Good thing it was Saturday; I had no desire to drive to school today. I had no idea how I'd managed it for the past year. Fifteen minutes later, I glanced at the clock on the hallway wall. 7 A.M. Maybe this morning I'd manage to get more than the two hours I usually got every night, no matter how tired I was.

Around ten o'clock I woke up and headed downstairs to make myself breakfast. After I poured myself some cereal I glanced at the table and saw the note my dad left me. He had gone fishing with Chief Swan and would be back late this afternoon. I was surprised that he left me alone; like the pack, he'd been really worried about me for the past year, though I suspected he was a little relieved that I rejected Edward. I shrugged. I didn't care about anything anymore.

The sound of a car outside caught my attention. Since people didn't usually visit us this early and my dad would be gone for hours yet, it had to be the mail guy. I waited until he left, not wanting to talk to anyone, before I went out and got it. I saw that the storm had passed as I opened the mailbox. Scanning it, I saw all the usual's; bills, newspaper, and various junk mail. But one thing was out of the ordinary. A single envelope with a red wax seal and elegant cursive writing on it made me go still. It had to be from the Cullens. Was it from Edward? And why would he write to me? I slit the top of the letter with a fingernail and pulled out the letter.

My heart dropped. I actually looked down to see if my heart had been ripped out, it hurt so badly. But no, it was not ripped out. Just crushed beyond repair. My imprint and the former love of my life were getting married and they had invited me to their wedding. I couldn't breathe at first; I had known that they would spend the rest of their lives together, but this was just one more reminder that I'd never be happy. I'd keep getting reminders for the rest of my life, too. A wolf was an immortal, so there was even a chance I'd be there to watch them. And die inside.

No. No way in hell. I'd finally had enough. I decided I'd rather die than watch the one person I could ever be happy with marry someone else, let alone a person who had once been my entire world. I drove to the cliffs, not wanting to risk changing into wolf form in case anyone would overhear my plans. They would reluctantly stand by while I drove myself insane by being away from my imprint, but I knew they wouldn't stand by while I destroyed myself. Again, they were idiots. There was nothing left of me to destroy except for an empty shell.

I parked just a few minutes' walk from the cliffs. The sky, which had been threatening a repeat of this morning's storm, opened up and began to pour, drenching me in seconds. I hardly felt it; I was already numb. Or maybe this is what it felt like to be dead inside.

I'd thought about just driving my car over the cliffs and locking the doors so I'd drown, but I couldn't bring myself to destroy my beloved car that I'd spent so much time lovingly building. Nearly at the cliffs, I palmed the knife I'd brought with me. Sharp as ever.

I stopped directly at the edge, where if I took one more step I'd fall. I took off my shirt and threw it into the tossing waves. I wouldn't be needing it anymore. I lifted the knife up to my chest, tilting it upwards. I took a deep breath and plunged it into my heart. Unimaginable agony ripped through me along with the knife, and I staggered back a few steps before falling to my knees. Blood ran down my chest in a gushing torrent, like the rain around me. I crawled forward a little bit, letting myself fall into the ocean, my eyes blessedly drifting closed. The pain was finally ending.

I pictured Edward's face. I'd given him the only gift I had left to give him, and I prayed he'd always be happy. I was counting on Bella to take care of him.

As I fell down into the icy water, I let the cold, murky depths pull me down without a fight.


End file.
